Sorry the House is a Mess

“Hi honey. How was your day?”  Husband walking in the door, trying to get past the car seat/diaper bag/shoes barricade.

“Uh … sorry (not sorry) the house is a mess” …

It’s the day after being out of town for a week, and the decor is now War Zone meets Tornado meets Toddler.  

And so the explaining begins.

That full coffee mug – with the ring stain from sitting since 8 am? Yah – that was microwaved 3 times before I gave up and abandoned it in the bathroom, but not before taking 5 pathetic, cold gulps before running out the door for our appointment.

Addy’s shoes in the middle of the kitchen? Forget her taking them off and putting them in her cubby in the entry closet like she’s supposed to. These days? She makes a bee line for FOOD … correction SNACKS … and then flings them off at light speed when I yell at her to put her shoes away.

Addy’s baby doll stroller? Well that was actually ON the chair where she was playing with her dollies before it came crashing off onto the floor. But I didn’t have the heart to scold her because I was too stoked she was ACTUALLY PLAYING WITH THE STROLLER. You know, the one that takes up lotsa room and I’m always falling over, and MY GOD – why doesn’t this child ever play with her TOYS and not her brother’s face!

The weird cooler thing in the middle of the living room? Well that’s from cleaning out my trunk today, where I found a straggling freebie from the hospital – baby formula samples in a funky little cooler. The formula was expired of course, which I’d have to chuck anyway because THIS baby certainly ain't takin’ no bottle, but I brought it in because it could be a cool little picnic thingy. But it quickly became Addy’s toy, entertaining her for all of 30 seconds, and then left for us all to “enjoy” (trip over).    

Where’s the what? I thought you said dining room table. Oh you did say dining room table. We don’t have one of those anymore – but we DO have a really cool new laundry folding table. Hooray!

Random pull-ups lying around? They’re most likely a soggy wet mess. Addy’s a big girl now, didn’t you know?! She can take them off ALL BY HERSELF! We’re just working on what to do with them once they’re off. Lovely.

The collapsible craft table and chairs in screamin’ red, yellow and royal blue. Yes –a most unfortunate eye-sore. But I’m afraid if I put it back in the closet, Addy won’t do another craft until Kindergarten.

Ooo don’t throw that away. I save toilet paper rolls now, don’t you know? “The Preschoolers’ Busy Book” says if I glue two together, and let her color and sticker ‘em, they’ll be super groovy binoculars and she’ll like totally leave me alone. (She didn't).

My running shoes? Oh they go there now. You know. Out of sight – out of mind. They’re there for inspiration.

Caps? Lids? They just slow me down.

The million (3) suitcases still sitting out, spewing a summer’s worth of clothes? I’ve just decided it’s easier to leave them there and pull out what I need, when I need it. It like – totally tripled our closet space. Don’t hate.

Let’s not forget - many things can be explained by having to do things one handed while carrying a 16 pound bebe: the graveyard of DVDs on the entertainment center, snack wrappers, random used wipes, teethers, Addy’s shorts, remotes, mail, keys, contact lens drops … for the love. I always feel lucky to have accomplished the task at hand and feel as though expecting to also pull off the cleaning up process is just asking too much. 

And watch out for the bath – that’s bleach water in there – tried to scrub down her potty and bleach the bath mat – but haven’t had a chance to – well you know – de-bleach everything? And sorry if anything of yours in the bathroom has bleach stains. Addy kinda went wading through it and kicked water out onto the bathroom floor when I took my eyes off her for two seconds to Google “infant Tylenol dosing.”

Speaking of – whose idea was it to NOT tell parents how much freaking Tylenol you’re supposed to give your kid? I can hear the lawyers now. “Um yah – you can’t dispense dosing information. Can you say lawsuit!?  How about we just say ‘Ask your doctor’“ – because that makes a ton of sense when a screaming baby is teething in the middle of the night and parents are desperate. Because Dr. Google is so much safer than just reading the label. SHEESH! So yah – there’s the bleach everywhere. Oh and also the Tylenol dispenser, Tylenol with the cap off (it’s kind of my thing) and a zip lock with dosing info written on it because I am a genius (best mom ever, really) and transferred the info from Dr. Google with a permanent market. So that’s also why there’s a Sharpie on the kitchen counter.

Addy’s milk and water sippy cups on your chair? Well – when I asked her what she wanted for snack, she said milk. And water. And added – “Zecuz you don’t have any other kind of drinks.”  (I think she’s starting to catch on that not all families are "no juice" families. Damn.) I asked if she wanted to eat anything and then she just stared at me. Then later when I noticed the milk cap still off (maybe she gets it from me?) and I told her to go close it, she said “Why?” ‘and then promptly walked her naked bootie over to her pile of clothes and attempted to put a shirt on. I patiently reminded her – “Close the cap to your milk.” To which she parroted – “The cap to my milk?” … Long pause … “This mommy?” Picking up a different random cup on the floor that I had used (in vain) to hide my chocolate chips, “No – your milk cup. CLOSE THE LID.” She then got fixated on the chocolate chips that used to be in the cup and demanded more. Then she abruptly announced “I WENT PEE IN MY PULL UPS!!!!” and we kind of forgot about the milk and water sippy cups.

So why haven’t I done a swoop through the house to put everything away? Oh that’s cuz I have – THREE TIMES already. What you’re seeing is just the freshest layer.  You’re welcome.

Up All Night

Asher – for the most part – is a dream baby. I feel the need to say that upfront because like many new moms, I’m very aware of how much worse it COULD be, and also a little reluctant to taint my little one’s reputation so early on (it’s as if we’re worried our babes might one day run for president and we’re already working over their constituents – “No really …. He’s a good baby!” we exclaim, as we casually wipe off the projectile spit up from our sleeve and floor of the hipster café we’ve dared to sip coffee in with baby in tow.)

Dream baby or not, all new moms are incredibly sleep deprived. Even if you’re sleeping at night, you’re technically sleeping with one eye open, and that can’t be good for precious REM.

Here are some tell-tale sings you too might be suffering from sleep deprivation. I speak from experience ...

YOU:

• Send texts to your husband at work like this: “Guess what’s clean? The floors or my hair? Pick one.” [He guessed hair (bless his heart) but he would be wrong.]
• Drink coffee just to take the edge off before you pass out for a 20 minute nap (just hours into your day).
• Threaten your toddler “no more TV!” when they disobey, and then immediately realize you’re only hurting yourself. Instant. Regret. Next time you’ll wise up and threaten to PERMANENTLY REMOVE (Oh don’t think I won’t little girl!) AAAAAALLLL the noisy toys! That’s better.

• Curse your decision not to have “real cable” with a DVR and those fancy, newfangled features (like PAUSE) when your child is screaming bloody murder during reeeeeeeaaaaallly super important dialogue during Parenthood (the BEST show ever I might add, no question, don’t argue with me).

• Go “put the baby to sleep” pretend style (so not asleep yet) and hop in the shower all stealth like before the truth manifests (sorry husband! love you!)

• Discover your toddler foraging for food in your diaper bag (SOMEONE forgot breakfast). Finding none, she moves on the freezer (not being able to reach the fridge), and settles on the only thing she recognizes – her turtle ice pack. Sad. OK, time for breakfast sweetie.
• (Forgetting your carrier at home), find yourself at Trader Joe’s with no other way of transporting your little one but to heave ho the whole dang car seat into the cart, leaving little room for, you know, food. After filling the bottom shelf, you get kinda desperate and stoopid and start putting things in your diaper bag, which isn’t embarrassing at all when you have to sheepishly pull stuff out at the check stand.

• Decide to make those M&M cookie bars anyway, ignoring the fact you don’t have all the ingredients, because – a) you haven’t been to the store in forever, and b) have no plans to go in the near future, and c) you really really really need M&M cookie bars in your life, but turns out – when you don’t have M&Ms, and you try to make M&M bars, you end up with really bad granola bars that even your daughter – who thinks fig newtons are birthday cake – won’t eat.
• Absent mindedly call out to your 2-year-old, “What’s the date?” … and wait for an answer.

Have conversations like this with your toddler.


• “Adeline, the crayons are still on the floor because I’m waiting for you to pick them up.”
• “No!” she yells defiantly, but while smiling and sneaking off – very adorable-like.
• Laughing, I retort, “Adeline that’s it – go to your room and don’t come out until TOMORROW! (It’s 3 pm). “I know I’m laughing, but it’s not funny. I mean it.”
• Jared backing me up with, “It’s final. To your room!” We both MEAN it.

Lest you get all judgy, let’s remember … sleep deprivation is a form of torture people! Google “sleep deprivation” +“psychosis” and you’ll learn that “keeping someone awake for hours or even days at a time is a highly effective way to ‘break the will’ of a PRISONER (which us new parents kinda are), causing a whole range of undesirable ill effects from cognitive impairment, psychosis (Dad), breaking down the immune system and even causing heart defects and cardiovascular disease. The more you deprive someone of sleep, the more likely they are to suffer memory loss (Me), confusion (Me), even hallucinations. (Ok, sometimes Me).”

Fatigue can be funny … but it can also be scary … making you bicker unnecessarily with the ones you love the most, seconding guess yourself CONSTANTLY, and your once brazen self turning into a shrinking violet. What the heck?

So ya’ll have been warned. We’re tired up in here! And a little funny, cranky and crazy.

And with that said, time for a nap.