Dream baby or not, all new moms are incredibly sleep deprived. Even if you’re sleeping at night, you’re technically sleeping with one eye open, and that can’t be good for precious REM.
Here are some tell-tale sings you too might be suffering from sleep deprivation. I speak from experience ...
YOU:
- Send texts to your husband at work like this: “Guess what’s clean? The floors or my hair? Pick one.” [He guessed hair (bless his heart) but he would be wrong.]
- Drink coffee just to take the edge off before you pass out for a 20 minute nap (just hours into your day).
- Threaten your toddler “no more TV!” when they disobey, and then immediately realize you’re only hurting yourself. Instant. Regret. Next time you’ll wise up and threaten to PERMANENTLY REMOVE (Oh don’t think I won’t little girl!) AAAAAALLLL the noisy toys! That’s better.
- Curse your decision not to have “real cable” with a DVR and those fancy, newfangled features (like PAUSE) when your child is screaming bloody murder during reeeeeeeaaaaallly super important dialogue during Parenthood (the BEST show ever I might add, no question, don’t argue with me).
- Go “put the baby to sleep” pretend style (so not asleep yet) and hop in the shower all stealth like before the truth manifests (sorry husband! love you!)
- Discover your toddler foraging for food in your diaper bag (SOMEONE forgot breakfast). Finding none, she moves on the freezer (not being able to reach the fridge), and settles on the only thing she recognizes – her turtle ice pack. Sad. OK, time for breakfast sweetie.
- (Forgetting your carrier at home), find yourself at Trader Joe’s with no other way of transporting your little one but to heave ho the whole dang car seat into the cart, leaving little room for, you know, food. After filling the bottom shelf, you get kinda desperate and stoopid and start putting things in your diaper bag, which isn’t embarrassing at all when you have to sheepishly pull stuff out at the check stand.
- Decide to make those M&M cookie bars anyway, ignoring the fact you don’t have all the ingredients, because – a) you haven’t been to the store in forever, and b) have no plans to go in the near future, and c) you really really really need M&M cookie bars in your life, but turns out – when you don’t have M&Ms, and you try to make M&M bars, you end up with really bad granola bars that even your daughter – who thinks fig newtons are birthday cake – won’t eat.
- Absent mindedly call out to your 2-year-old, “What’s the date?” … and wait for an answer.
- Have conversations like this with your toddler.
- “Adeline, the crayons are still on the floor because I’m waiting for you to pick them up.”
- “No!” she yells defiantly, but while smiling and sneaking off – very adorable-like.
- Laughing, I retort, “Adeline that’s it – go to your room and don’t come out until TOMORROW! (It’s 3 pm). “I know I’m laughing, but it’s not funny. I mean it.”
- Jared backing me up with, “It’s final. To your room!” We both MEAN it.
Lest you get all judgy, let’s remember … sleep
deprivation is a form of torture people! Google “sleep deprivation” +“psychosis”
and you’ll learn that “keeping someone awake for hours or even days at a time
is a highly effective way to ‘break the will’ of a PRISONER (which us new parents kinda are), causing a whole
range of undesirable ill effects from cognitive impairment, psychosis (Dad), breaking
down the immune system and even causing heart defects and cardiovascular
disease. The more you deprive someone of sleep, the more likely they are to
suffer memory loss (Me), confusion (Me), even hallucinations. (Ok, sometimes Me).”
Fatigue can be funny … but it can also be scary … making you
bicker unnecessarily with the ones you love the most, seconding guess yourself
CONSTANTLY, and your once brazen self turning into a shrinking violet. What the
heck?
So ya’ll have been warned. We’re tired up in here! And a
little funny, cranky and crazy.
And with that said, time for a nap.
