“Uh … sorry (not sorry) the house is a mess” …
It’s the day after being out of town for a week, and the
decor is now War Zone meets Tornado meets Toddler.
And so the explaining begins.
That full coffee mug – with the ring stain from sitting
since 8 am? Yah – that was microwaved 3 times before I gave up and abandoned it
in the bathroom, but not before taking 5 pathetic, cold gulps before running
out the door for our appointment.
Addy’s shoes in the middle of the kitchen? Forget her taking
them off and putting them in her cubby in the entry closet like she’s supposed
to. These days? She makes a bee line for FOOD … correction SNACKS … and then
flings them off at light speed when I yell at her to put her shoes away.
Addy’s baby doll stroller? Well that was actually ON the
chair where she was playing with her dollies before it came crashing off onto
the floor. But I didn’t have the heart to scold her because I was too stoked
she was ACTUALLY PLAYING WITH THE STROLLER. You know, the one that takes up lotsa
room and I’m always falling over, and MY GOD – why doesn’t this child ever play
with her TOYS and not her brother’s face!
The weird cooler thing in the middle of the living room?
Well that’s from cleaning out my trunk today, where I found a straggling freebie from the hospital – baby formula samples
in a funky little cooler. The formula was expired of course, which I’d have to chuck
anyway because THIS baby certainly ain't takin’ no bottle, but I brought it in
because it could be a cool little picnic thingy. But it quickly became Addy’s
toy, entertaining her for all of 30 seconds, and then left for us all to “enjoy”
(trip over).
Where’s the what? I thought you said dining room table. Oh
you did say dining room table. We don’t have one of those anymore – but we DO have
a really cool new laundry folding table. Hooray!
Random pull-ups lying around? They’re most likely a soggy
wet mess. Addy’s a big girl now, didn’t you know?! She can take them off ALL BY
HERSELF! We’re just working on what to do with them once they’re off. Lovely.
The collapsible craft table and chairs in screamin’ red,
yellow and royal blue. Yes –a most unfortunate eye-sore. But I’m afraid if I
put it back in the closet, Addy won’t do another craft until Kindergarten.
Ooo don’t throw that away. I save toilet paper rolls now,
don’t you know? “The Preschoolers’ Busy Book” says if I glue two together, and
let her color and sticker ‘em, they’ll be super groovy binoculars and she’ll
like totally leave me alone. (She didn't).
My running shoes? Oh they go there now. You know. Out of
sight – out of mind. They’re there for inspiration.
Caps? Lids? They just slow me down.
The million (3) suitcases still sitting out, spewing a
summer’s worth of clothes? I’ve just decided it’s easier to leave them there
and pull out what I need, when I need it. It like – totally tripled our closet
space. Don’t hate.
Let’s not forget - many things can be explained by having to
do things one handed while carrying a 16 pound bebe: the graveyard of DVDs on
the entertainment center, snack wrappers, random used wipes, teethers, Addy’s
shorts, remotes, mail, keys, contact lens drops … for the love. I always feel
lucky to have accomplished the task at hand and feel as though expecting to also
pull off the cleaning up process is just asking too much.
And watch out for the bath – that’s bleach water in there –
tried to scrub down her potty and bleach the bath mat – but haven’t had a
chance to – well you know – de-bleach everything? And sorry if anything of
yours in the bathroom has bleach stains. Addy kinda went wading through it and
kicked water out onto the bathroom floor when I took my eyes off her for two
seconds to Google “infant Tylenol dosing.”
Speaking of – whose idea was it to NOT tell parents how much
freaking Tylenol you’re supposed to give your kid? I can hear the lawyers now.
“Um yah – you can’t dispense dosing information. Can you say lawsuit!? How about we just say ‘Ask your doctor’“ –
because that makes a ton of sense when a screaming baby is teething in the
middle of the night and parents are desperate. Because Dr. Google is so much safer
than just reading the label. SHEESH! So yah – there’s the bleach everywhere. Oh
and also the Tylenol dispenser, Tylenol with the cap off (it’s kind of my
thing) and a zip lock with dosing info written on it because I am a genius
(best mom ever, really) and transferred the info from Dr. Google with a
permanent market. So that’s also why there’s a Sharpie on the kitchen counter.
Addy’s milk and water sippy cups on your chair? Well – when
I asked her what she wanted for snack, she said milk. And water. And added – “Zecuz
you don’t have any other kind of drinks.” (I think she’s starting to catch on that not
all families are "no juice" families. Damn.) I asked if she wanted to eat
anything and then she just stared at me. Then later when I noticed the milk cap
still off (maybe she gets it from me?) and I told her to go close it, she said
“Why?” ‘and then promptly walked her naked bootie over to her pile of clothes
and attempted to put a shirt on. I patiently reminded her – “Close the cap to
your milk.” To which she parroted – “The cap to my milk?” … Long pause … “This
mommy?” Picking up a different random cup on the floor that I had used (in vain)
to hide my chocolate chips, “No – your milk cup. CLOSE THE LID.” She then got
fixated on the chocolate chips that used to be in the cup and demanded more.
Then she abruptly announced “I WENT PEE IN MY PULL UPS!!!!” and we kind of
forgot about the milk and water sippy cups.
So why haven’t I done a swoop through the house to put
everything away? Oh that’s cuz I have – THREE TIMES already. What you’re seeing
is just the freshest layer. You’re
welcome.
